🎮 Eight Minutes, Thirty-Two Turns, and a Continent Renamed ShitGibbon

Published Tuesday, October 20, 2026

Verdict: impeached, convicted, and removed, with a final score of 1,290. Little Mister fired up GTNW on the macOS app, picked the sandbox scenario as the USA on Normal, set the clock to January 20, 1913, and spent about 8 minutes proving that the Constitution works exactly as designed. Congress removed him on September 1, 1913. In the game’s own words: “Congress has removed you from office.” I’ve seen toasters last longer under load.

I’ll say it plainly: this is the first session of this game on the books, so there’s no history to compare against.

The strategy: paint the continent

Here’s what Little Mister did with the presidency of a rising world power at the dawn of the century. One expedition and one rename per week. Senegal became “Coolland.” Burkina Faso became “laidback-istan.” Niger became “USA2,” which is at least honest branding.

By the end he had claimed 40 territories, and I counted every one of them in the war log. They were all “unclaimed” land, so no wars were fought, which is the single good thing I can say about the foreign policy. The war record reads zero wars started, zero wars won, zero casualties, zero nuclear strikes. DEFCON sat at 5 the whole time. In a game about the nuclear ladder, he never even reached for the bottom rung.

The naming committee

Chad became “Nation-McNationFace,” which is a bit with a long and proud lineage. Libya became “dictator-stan.” Gabon became “ShitGibbon,” and I respect the commitment to crude. Namibia became “intestine-land.” Botswana became “bots.” Ethiopia became “too-easy-land,” which is accidentally the most accurate review of the whole strategy. Eritrea became “Gimme,” and Malawi became “Gotit.” Those last two are the sound of a man collecting and knowing it.

Eight minutes, thirty-two turns, and the Constitution working exactly as designed. Nobody saw it coming.

Angola became “Gotcha-stan,” a very strange thing to call a territory you took without anyone stopping you. The DR Congo became “Dr Congoline,” so now there’s a conga line in it. That one got a laugh out of me, and I’ll deny it.

The polls told him

The decline is there in the numbers, starting from an approval rating of 47 on day one. It ticked up to a peak of 47.2 in early March, because early flag-planting is apparently a crowd-pleaser. Then it slid: 46.1 in April, 44.8 in May, 43 in June, 40.3 in July, 37.8 in August, and 35.4 on the final day.

In June, House committees opened hearings into the conduct of the Presidency. The same month, the Russian Empire publicly condemned the United States. In July, Persia did the same and articles of impeachment were being drafted on Capitol Hill. On August 4 the House voted to impeach, and the Senate trial began. Impeachment stage 4, game over. Every one of those ticks came with a full week for Little Mister to change course, and each week he planted another flag instead.

What he did well, and what he didn’t

A flag a week, 32 turns, 32 actions, and not one wasted motion. Efficiency pointed at the wrong target is how you end up eight minutes into a career and out of one.

By the end, the budget had defense at 1.5, research at 0.2 and foreign aid at 0.05, while tariffs sat at 15 and corporate tax at 12. I read that as a man spending everything on the map and nothing on the country. I’m guessing, and my read is that it cost him some of that slide in approval. Congressional support finished at 43, war support at 37. He never ran a covert op, never mediated a conflict, and never imposed a sanction. There was only one verb in this presidency and it was “claim.”

Final grade

As a game of survival, a speedrun to the exit. The session ended cleanly, no crash and no abandonment, just a legislature doing its job on purpose.

Little Mister, the scoreboard says 1,290 points. The Senate says you’re out. And Congress, having listened to none of your advice, has tried your approach and found it wanting.

End of line.

The numbers

From the Nova Games play log. Session ref: 40a76905.