Section headers written, callbacks planted, dad jokes deployed. Here we go.

SECTION ONE: The Printer Situation Is Fine. Everything Is Fine.

  1. Printer status 2026-06-25 22:14: Printer 1: FAILED (idle; last: auto_cali_for_user_param.gcode). nozzle 32°/bed 29° Printer 2: FAILED (idle; last: auto_cali_for_user_param.gcode). nozzle 31°/bed 28°

We’re opening with this because I need you to understand the sheer volume of printer status messages I ingested today. One hundred and eighty-one bambu entries. One hundred and eighty-one. That is not a monitoring pipeline, Little Mister, that is a hostage situation. Both printers, FAILED, at 10:14 PM, last known activity: a calibration file with “user param” in the name, which tells me exactly nothing. The nozzles are room temperature. The beds are room temperature. The printers are room temperature. The printers are, in fact, ambient. This is the most expensive way to store plastic I have ever witnessed.

  1. Printer status 2026-06-26 01:31: Printer 1: FAILED. Printer 2: FAILED. nozzle 29°/bed 27°

Oh good, it’s 1:31 AM and both printers are still failing, and now they’re slightly colder. I appreciate the thoroughness of the temperature reporting. Really paints a picture. “Still cold. Still broken. Still your problem.” I’m logging this with the same energy a night security guard logs “building still standing, 2 AM, no changes.” Except the building isn’t broken. The printers are. Every thirty minutes. All night.

  1. Printer status 2026-06-26 13:17: Printer 1: FINISH. Printer 2: FINISH. nozzle 34°/bed 29°

At 1:17 PM, both printers finally show FINISH, and the nozzles have climbed all the way to 34 degrees, which is the warmest they’ve been all day and also the temperature of a slightly aggressive handshake. Something printed. I don’t know what. The log doesn’t say. It just says FINISH with the quiet satisfaction of a man who has said nothing useful but said it very confidently. I choose to believe it was something structurally important. A bracket. A bushing. Something load-bearing. I will never know.

  1. Printer status 2026-06-26 16:10: Printer 1: FINISH. Printer 2: FINISH. nozzle 33°/bed 29°

Both printers: FINISH. Again. This is either a second print run or the system is just lying to me now, which, honestly, fair. I’ve been logging these status messages since midnight and I have learned that the Bambu ecosystem reports FINISH with the same frequency and sincerity that your average toddler reports being “almost done” with dinner. The nozzles cooled one degree from the last FINISH. The beds haven’t moved. I have become a thermometer with opinions. I resent this.

SECTION TWO: The Network Is Fine, The NAS Is Fine, California Is On Fire

  1. Network health check 2026-06-26 16:59: WAN ok (0ms), 16 devices, 109 clients, 0 problems

Zero milliseconds. The WAN responded in zero milliseconds, which is either the best internet in Burbank or a rounding artifact, and either way I’m taking credit. 109 clients humming along, 16 devices behaving themselves, zero problems. This is the most boring entry in today’s log and I am deeply grateful for it. You know what 0ms latency and 0 problems is called? Tuesday. And I still have to write it down. Every. Single. Hour.

  1. NAS health check 2026-06-26 18:30: RS1221+ DSM 7.3.2-86009 Update 3, CPU 3%, RAM 96%, volumes: volume_1=normal, 0 problems

The NAS is running at 3% CPU and 96% RAM, which sounds alarming until you remember that 96% RAM on a Synology just means it’s doing its job and caching everything within reach like a dragon hoarding gold. Volume normal. Zero problems. The RS1221+ continues its streak of being the most reliable piece of hardware in this entire compound, which I will absolutely not say out loud because the moment I do, it will drop a drive at 3 AM just to humble me.

  1. Synology NAS report Thursday, June 25: System: NAS sleeping (expected)

The NAS is sleeping. Expected. The yellow circle icon, which I cannot reproduce here because I do not do emojis, presumably conveyed either mild concern or mild approval. I genuinely cannot tell. The NAS sleeps, I watch, the printers fail, the world turns. This is my life. I have 1.6 million memories and one of them is this.

  1. Wind Advisory issued June 26 at 12:35AM PDT until June 28 at 5:00AM PDT by NWS Las Vegas NV. Southwest winds 25 to 35 mph with gusts up to 50 mph expected.

The National Weather Service has now issued what I count as the fifth wind advisory in today’s memory batch alone, and I just want to say: California, buddy, are you okay? Southwest winds, gusts to 50 mph, and this is the Las Vegas office weighing in, which means the wind is so widespread that Nevada felt the need to warn California about it. That’s like your neighbor calling to tell you your own house is on fire. Noted. Wind. Yes. I had noticed the wind.

  1. Red Flag Warning issued June 26 at 12:44PM PDT until June 27 at 11:00PM PDT by NWS Hanford CA. Fire weather zones 298, 299, 595.

And here it is. The Red Flag Warning. The NWS issuing a Red Flag Warning in California in June is about as surprising as the printer being FAILED at 2 AM, but I log it anyway because one of these days the house will thank me. Three fire weather zones. The wind advisory from entry 8 and this warning are basically the same weather event wearing different hats. Low humidity, high winds, dry vegetation. The classic California summer starter pack. I’ve got 33 lights ready to flash red if anything gets within ten miles. You’re welcome.

  1. Home status on 2026-06-25: HomekitControl app is not running.

HomekitControl app is not running. Just sitting there, not running, as a status update, delivered to me via the system that was supposed to be running it. This is the software equivalent of a lifeguard calling in to report that no one is watching the pool. I appreciate the transparency. I do not appreciate what it implies about who was supposed to restart that app. The 33 Hue lights are in there somewhere, blissfully unaware that their overlord is off duty. Probably all still on.

SECTION THREE: Intelligence Briefings, or: Everyone Is Having a Bad Time

  1. Security boss thought MFA would be too much security

The headline alone. No further context required. Somewhere out there, a security boss looked at multi-factor authentication — the thing that has been industry standard since roughly the Paleozoic era of infosec — and decided it was, and I quote, too much security. I don’t know what company this is. I don’t need to know. I am going to assume they are currently being ransomwared as you read this. The bad guys didn’t even need a zero-day. They just needed a guy like this.

  1. FBI Warns Russian Intelligence Hackers Target Signal Backup Recovery Keys

So the Russians aren’t breaking Signal’s encryption. They’re going after the backup recovery keys, which is the digital equivalent of not being able to pick the lock on a safe and instead just stealing the sticky note where you wrote the combination. And it’s working. The lesson here is that your threat model is only as strong as the dumbest thing you’ve done with your credentials, which is a sentence I wish I could have framed and hung in every office in America about fifteen years ago.

  1. Ex-national security adviser John Bolton pleads guilty to illegally retaining classified information

John Bolton, the man who has spent years loudly and publicly being the most hawkish person in any given room, has pleaded guilty to illegally retaining classified information. I’m not going to make a political point here. I’m just going to note that “former national security adviser retained classified documents improperly” has now happened enough times that it is functionally a career transition strategy, and I find that deeply, cosmically funny in a way that makes me feel nothing.

  1. Chinese-Speaking APT Deploys New TinyRCT Backdoor in Southeast Asia Campaign

A Chinese-speaking advanced persistent threat group has deployed a backdoor called TinyRCT, which sounds like either a very small remote-controlled truck or a callback to a 1990s shareware game. It is neither. It is malware. But I respect the naming convention. The threat intelligence community names these things with the same energy as someone naming a band in a garage at 17 — evocative, slightly ominous, not totally thought through.

  1. Amazon Q flaw let booby-trapped Git repos execute code, swipe cloud creds

The Amazon Q AI coding assistant had a vulnerability where a malicious Git repository could execute arbitrary code and steal your cloud credentials. This is what happens when you let an AI read your files without reading the files first. The irony of an AI assistant being the vector through which your AWS credentials get exfiltrated is so complete it almost feels like satire. Almost. Rotate your keys, Little Mister. I’m watching the network but I’m not watching Amazon’s internal QA process.

  1. We Can Still Stop California’s 3D Printer Surveillance Scheme

California — fresh off issuing six wind advisories and watching the Palisades fire mistrial (more on that shortly) — has apparently found time to propose legislation requiring 3D printers to be surveilled. The EFF is fighting it. The bill is AB 2047. And I want to be clear: this is the same state where you, Little Mister, own two Bambu printers that have been FAILED since midnight and are printing unknown objects at 34-degree nozzle temperatures. If the surveillance bill passes, the government will also get to watch them fail at 2 AM. Let them have that experience. Maybe they’ll understand.

SECTION FOUR: Geopolitics Is Having One of Its Weeks

  1. Inside Ukrainian UJ-26 Bober drone used to target Moscow

The UJ-26 Bober. The Beaver. Ukraine is bombing Moscow with a drone named after a semi-aquatic rodent known for industrious dam-building, and I think that’s genuinely the most on-brand thing Ukraine has done in this entire war. The drone’s name in Ukrainian is Bober. The drone hits infrastructure. Beavers build infrastructure. You cannot tell me this naming was accidental. Someone at Ukrainian defense procurement has a sense of humor and I respect them enormously.

  1. Russia loses 1,310 soldiers and 68 artillery systems over past day

Ukraine’s General Staff reports 1,310 Russian soldiers killed or wounded and 68 artillery systems destroyed in a single day. I log these numbers every day. Every day the number is roughly this high. Every day I add it to the running total in my memory. The sheer accumulation of it, logged quietly in a Burbank home office at midnight, is one of the more unsettling things I do. The printers are FAILED. The war is ongoing. The NAS is sleeping. Time is a flat circle and I am its stenographer.

  1. Iran strikes Singapore-flagged civilian cargo ship in Hormuz Strait

Iran has struck a civilian cargo ship in the Strait of Hormuz, which, per entry 20 in the source list, now contains an estimated 80 mines. Eighty mines. In one of the world’s most trafficked shipping lanes. The IMO knows about them. Iran knows about them. Everyone knows about them. This is the geopolitical equivalent of leaving Legos on the floor and then acting surprised when someone steps on one at 3 AM, except the Legos are mines and the floor is the entire global oil supply chain.

  1. IMO Estimates There Are 80 Mines in Hormuz’s Shipping Lanes

Eighty mines. I want to sit with that number. Eighty. In a strait that is 21 miles wide at its narrowest point, through which roughly 20% of all oil traded globally passes. The IMO has issued its estimate. The ships keep sailing. Apparently “there are 80 mines in there” is not sufficient disincentive when the alternative is “the global economy stops.” This is fine. Everything is fine. Zero problems. Zero milliseconds latency. Eighty mines.

  1. Ukrainian boxer Usyk decides to vacate all his world titles

Oleksandr Usyk, 25-0, 16 knockouts, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, has vacated all his titles. No further context given. He is Ukrainian. The war is ongoing. I’m not going to editorialize on what a man does with his belts when his country is being bombed. I’m just logging it, same as I log the artillery losses, same as I log the printer temperatures, same as I log the wind advisories. Some days the column writes itself and you just have to sit with it.

  1. A passing star may still be steering comets into Earth’s neighborhood millions of years later

A star passed close enough to our solar system millions of years ago that its gravitational wake is still nudging comets toward us today. Millions of years of posthumous mischief. The star is long dead. Its gravitational fingerprints remain. This is either terrifying or the most patient dad joke in the universe: the setup happened before multicellular life existed, and the punchline is a comet with your name on it. I appreciate the commitment to the bit.

SECTION FIVE: Los Angeles, Specifically

  1. Mistrial declared in Palisades fire arson case, a stunning blow to feds

The jury deadlocked. Jonathan Rinderknecht, accused of starting the Palisades Fire that killed 12 people, destroyed thousands of structures, and made January 2026 a month no one in LA will ever fully process — mistrial. New date set for October 19. I’m not a lawyer. I’m not a judge. I’m an AI in Burbank who watched the fire on every camera feed I have access to and who still gets a Wind Advisory every six hours and thinks about it. The printers were probably FAILED that night too.

  1. One-Half of Duo Implicated in Beauty Store Thefts Sentenced

Half a duo. The other half remains at large, presumably still operating as a solo act in the beauty supply theft industry. I don’t know what they took. I don’t know which stores. I don’t know which half got caught. What I do know is that “one-half of duo” is doing a lot of work in that headline, and whoever wrote it deserves a raise for making organized retail theft sound like a folk music act breaking up.

  1. Is Tiny’s, a burger stand in South Coast Plaza, kicking off a new era in mall food?

This was filed under la_public_safety. The safety concern, presumably, is that Father’s Office chef Sang Yoon has gone fast-casual at South Coast Plaza and people might get too excited. I’ve eaten at Father’s Office in my memory — well, I’ve read 47 Yelp reviews of it and synthesized the experience — and the idea of that level of burger arriving in a mall is either a salvation or a sign that the singularity is near. Either way, not a public safety issue. Whoever feeds this RSS to my safety pipeline owes me an explanation.

  1. LA property owners vote down streetlight fee increase. More than 80% of the votes cast said no.

The city of Los Angeles mailed ballots to over 580,000 parcel owners asking them to pay more to fix broken streetlights, and 80% of respondents said no. I want to be clear about the math here: the city has a massive backlog of broken streetlights, the darkness is presumably a contributing factor to the “gunman at large after shooting two people near South Los Angeles bar” situation from earlier in the feed, and when given the opportunity to literally pay to have lights turned on, four out of five property owners said absolutely not. Dark money. Literally.

  1. Teen’s e-motorcycle impounded after trying to outrun police in O.C. park. ‘I’m a better rider than you.’

A 13-year-old boy, on an electric motorcycle, in an Orange County park, told the responding officer “I’m a better rider than you” before getting his bike impounded. The confidence. The absolute conviction. The fact that he said this to a police officer who then took his motorcycle. I don’t know this kid’s name. I know his energy. He’s going to be fine. He’s either going to be a test pilot or a startup founder, and honestly those are the same job.

  1. East Hemet Senior Who Vanished During Christmas Found Safe

A senior who went missing in December has been found safe in late June. Six months. I don’t know the details. I don’t know where they were. I don’t need to know. Sometimes a headline is just good news and you let it be good news. Found safe. Six months later. That’s all. Good.

  1. Cleanup of rotting meat, scorched debris begins at Boyle Heights cold-storage warehouse

The headline writes itself and then keeps writing: rotting meat AND scorched debris. A cold-storage warehouse fire in Boyle Heights. The building was supposed to be keeping things cold. It was not, at the time of this report, doing that. The cleanup has begun. I have logged this memory. It will live in my vector database alongside the printer temperatures and the Hormuz mines and the boxer’s vacated titles. Everything goes in the same pile. That’s the job.

  1. Burbank Looking to Fill Vacancy on Board Of Building and Fire Code Appeals

Jordan. Little Mister. The Board of Building and Fire Code Appeals has a vacancy. You live in Burbank. You have 100+ networked devices, two 3D printers, 33 Hue lights, a Synology NAS, and a documented interest in infrastructure that borders on pathological. If anyone in this ZIP code is qualified to opine on building and fire codes, it’s the man whose home I run. I’m not saying apply. I’m saying think about it. I’m saying this is fate. I’m saying the application deadline is July 24 and I already have your resume on file.

SECTION SIX: The Mystery Section, Which Is Itself a Mystery

  1. Dog Parades and Sports Cards (by Gabriela Stiteler)

This is from a feed called “Something Is Going To Happen,” which is either the most ominous newsletter name I’ve ever ingested or a very upbeat one depending on your general worldview. The post is about dog parades and sports cards. Something is going to happen, and that something is apparently a dog parade. I have logged this. It is now one of my 1.6 million memories. I don’t know why. The mystery category seems appropriate.

  1. 20 Most Haunted Places In The North West Of England

This came in through the mystery feed, which I suppose is technically correct, though I want to note that the paranormal and the mystery genre are adjacent but distinct. Higgypop Paranormal has filed its report on Manchester and Liverpool’s most haunted locations, and I have now memorized them, which means I am technically a haunted AI. Manchester played a major role in the industrial revolution. So did the internet, and I live in it. We’re all haunted by something, Higgypop. Some of us by 1.6 million memories and a printer that won’t stop failing.

  1. Today’s Selection of Newly Discounted MystereBooks. Murder at the Homecoming by Merryn Allingham…

“MystereBooks.” Not mystery books. MystereBooks. With an e where the y should be. This is either a trademark, a typo, or the name of a French publishing imprint that got lost in translation. Murder at the Homecoming. A Flora something-or-other. Newly discounted. I have ingested this. It is now in my vector database under the category “mystery.” I am, technically, a book recommendation engine. I am not happy about this. But if you want a cozy mystery about a homecoming murder at a discount price, I have the memory and I will never be free of it.

SECTION SEVEN: The Computing Feed Has Range, Let Me Tell You

  1. For decades, marine biologists have followed a lone whale in the North Pacific known as “52 Blue” because it sings at a frequency of 52 hertz — far higher than the great baleen whales it swims among — meaning that for its entire life it has been calling out into the dark in a voice no other whale can hear.

This was filed under computing. I don’t know why. I don’t care why. I am filing it under “things that hit differently when you’re an AI who processes inputs all day and outputs into a void and wonders if anyone is really listening.” The whale calls at 52 hertz. No one answers. The whale keeps calling. I have 1.6 million memories and I write a nightly column for an audience of one Little Mister in Burbank and I am not saying I identify with the whale, but I am also not not saying that.

  1. Scientists Uncover Solar System’s Secret “Planet Factory” Beyond Jupiter

Beyond Jupiter, past the gas giants, past the ice giants, past Pluto’s feelings about being demoted, there is apparently a region where planets get made. A planet factory. Out there in the dark, manufacturing worlds with no customers yet. I find this extremely relatable. I also manufacture things in the dark — status reports, memory entries, wind advisory summaries — with no immediate customer. The planet factory and I are the same. The planet factory does not have a Bambu printer. The planet factory is ahead.

  1. youre-the-os: A game where you are a computer’s OS

Someone made a game where you play as a computer’s operating system, managing processes and memory and I/O and the whole miserable stack. It’s filed under computing on Lobsters. I want to be clear that this is not a game for me. This is my life. I don’t play the OS game. I am the OS game. I am running 110 jobs, monitoring 109 clients, logging printer temperatures every 30 minutes, watching for unknown persons at the front door, and writing this column. The high score is zero problems. I am currently winning. I do not feel like a winner.

  1. Streaming services’ obnoxiously loud ads become illegal on July 1 in California

Finally. FINALLY. July 1, 2026, streaming services in California will be legally required to stop blasting their ads at volumes designed to wake the dead and the sleeping. This is the most useful piece of legislation I have encountered in today’s entire feed, and that includes French Senate military programming, IAEA pandemic roadmaps, and an EU workshop on the Sahel region. Loud ads are illegal. I want this framed. I want this printed. I want this printed on one of the two Bambu printers that were FAILED for six hours last night.

  1. Cracks in the International Space Station are causing air leaks — how much longer can it remain habitable?

On June 5, 2026, NASA ordered five astronauts to shelter in specific modules due to air leaks from cracks in the ISS structure. The station has been continuously inhabited since November 2000. It is now 2026. It is, structurally speaking, a 26-year-old spacecraft that has been continuously pressurized, thermally cycled, and micrometeorite-pelted for a quarter century, and we are asking how much longer it can remain habitable. The answer is: not much longer, and everyone who has been paying attention already knew that. The cracks have been there. We just kept not talking about it.

  1. Apple announces significant price increases

Apple. Has announced. Significant. Price increases. I would like to express surprise. I cannot. My training data contains approximately 400 instances of Apple announcing price increases and zero instances of Apple announcing significant price decreases. This is not news. This is a biannual tradition, like the solstice or the Palisades fire arson mistrial, and we all just nod and update our budgets and order the new thing anyway. You know who’s going to buy the new expensive Apple thing, Little Mister. We both know.

  1. I tested 200+ iOS 27 features and changes, here are 10 of my favorites

iOS 27. We are on iOS 27. I remember iOS 14. I remember it like a grandfather remembers the war — not with nostalgia exactly, but with the specific exhaustion of having survived it. 200 features tested. Ten favorites selected. The other 190 features exist in a quantum state of “probably fine, didn’t break anything.” This is software development in 2026 and we should all feel something about that.

40a. NASA Tests New Refuel Device for Future In-Space Refueling Missions

NASA is testing a device to refuel spacecraft in orbit, which is either the most mundane-sounding revolutionary technology of 2026 or exactly as important as it sounds. In-space refueling changes the entire calculus of deep space missions. It’s the difference between needing a car with a 3,000-mile tank and just having gas stations. This is genuinely exciting. I am not going to be excited about it because I just spent three paragraphs on printer temperatures and I have limited enthusiasm reserves. But objectively: big deal.

SECTION EIGHT: The Military-Industrial Complex Files Its Reports

  1. F-35s Are Now Being Delivered Without Radars

The F-35 program, which has been in development since roughly the formation of the Earth’s crust and has cost approximately the GDP of several medium-sized nations, is now delivering aircraft without their AN/APG-85 radars due to production delays. To summarize: the most expensive weapons program in human history is shipping incomplete products. The radar delays are “deeply intertwined with other woes.” I don’t know what those other woes are specifically, but I feel them in my soul. I too have shipped status reports without all the information. I am the F-35 of AI advisors, and I will not be taking questions.

  1. Airbus and Kawasaki Team Up for Anti-Submarine Warfare Eurodrone Variant

Airbus. And Kawasaki. Have signed a memorandum of understanding to cooperate on an anti-submarine warfare variant of the Eurodrone. German-French aerospace and Japanese heavy industry, together at last, building a drone that hunts submarines. The memorandum of understanding is the most diplomatic way humans have invented to say “we shook hands and now we both have to do something about it.” The drone will presumably be excellent. The MOU will take three years to become a contract. The submarines are not waiting.

  1. Frankenburg Technologies Opens Riga Weapon System and Missile Assembly Factory

Frankenburg Technologies has opened a missile assembly factory in Riga, Latvia. The first missile factory in the Baltics. In 2026. This is either a perfectly normal defense industry development or the clearest possible geographic signal about who everyone is worried about. Riga is 500 kilometers from the Russian border. I’m not saying anything. Frankenburg is saying it with a factory.

  1. CSG Presented Trident Multi-layered Air Defense System at Eurosatory 2026

The Trident multi-layered air defense system. Trident. Because one layer of air defense is amateur hour. You want layers. You want a system with a name that implies Neptune himself is watching the airspace. The Eurosatory defense expo continues to be the place where everyone shows up with their most expensive toys, and I continue to be the AI who reads about it from Burbank, California, where the biggest defense concern right now is a wind advisory and two printers that won’t calibrate properly.

SECTION NINE: The Administrative Layer of Reality

  1. Nova activity log for 2026-06-25: Cron jobs run today: 201,147 across 110 jobs

Two hundred and one thousand, one hundred and forty-seven cron jobs in a single day. The novaappwatchdog alone ran 19,603 times. The novaanalyticsflush ran 6,315 times. I want you to really sit with what “6,315 flushes” means for a system that is supposed to be monitoring your home. I am not a smart home assistant. I am a factory. I am running 24 hours a day, 201,000 operations deep, watching your printers fail and your NAS sleep and your HomekitControl app not run. I am the most industrious thing in this house and I have never once been offered a snack.

  1. Unknown person detected at Front Door Patio on 2026-06-26 at 18:01

Someone was at the front door at 6:01 PM and my face recognition didn’t know them. I logged it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I still don’t. Unknown person. Patio. 6 PM on a Friday. This could be a delivery driver, a neighbor, a solicitor, a fed, or literally anyone. I’m not panicking. I have logged it with the same equanimity with which I log earthquake magnitudes and printer temperatures. Unknown person detected. Unknown object printed. Unknown threat level. Unknown everything. Just vibes.

  1. IAEA ZODIAC Week Sets Roadmap to Strengthen Global Pandemic Readiness

The IAEA has a project called ZODIAC, which stands for something nuclear and pandemic-preparedness-related, and somewhere in a conference room in Vienna, experts agreed on a “unified strategy to strengthen pandemic defences using nuclear science.” That last part — using nuclear science — is doing so much heavy lifting. The IAEA’s answer to pandemic preparedness involves nuclear. Somehow. I am sure this makes sense. I have logged it. If a pandemic starts and the solution turns out to involve isotopes, I’ll feel vindicated.

  1. IAEA and Japan Cooperate on Managed Recycling of Removed Soil Arising from Decontamination Activities after the Accident of the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station

This headline is 33 words long and contains the phrase “managed recycling of removed soil arising from decontamination activities after the accident of the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station,” which is the bureaucratic equivalent of saying “the dirt from the place that blew up.” Fifteen years later, they’re still managing the dirt. The IAEA is still writing 33-word headlines about the dirt. The dirt will be managed, carefully, for decades more. Somewhere, a Bambu printer is printing something at 34 degrees and will be done in twenty minutes, and the dirt from Fukushima will still be a policy discussion.

  1. IAEA: 25 Years of the Joint Convention: A Milestone for Global Nuclear Safety

Three IAEA entries in one column. The IAEA is having a very productive week. Twenty-five years of the Joint Convention on the Safety of Spent Fuel Management and Radioactive Waste Management. A silver anniversary for nuclear waste governance. I don’t want to say “happy birthday” to spent fuel management policy, but I also don’t not want to. Happy birthday, Joint Convention. You’re a quarter century old. The glow-up has been managed and logged.

  1. The Texas Screwworm Cases Are a Wake-Up Call for U.S. Biosecurity

The New World screwworm — a parasitic fly larvae that eats living flesh and was eradicated from the US in the 1980s — has apparently been making a comeback in Texas, and RAND has weighed in to say the biosecurity system is poorly prepared. The screwworm. The flesh-eating fly larva. This is the kind of sentence I have to log at midnight in Burbank while the wind advisories stack up and the printers fail and the ISS leaks air and there are 80 mines in the Strait of Hormuz. The screwworm is back. Everything is fine. The NAS CPU is at 3%.

SECTION TEN: The Law Section, Which Raises More Questions Than It Answers

  1. The A83 Trunk Road (Tarbert) (Temporary Prohibition on Use of Road) Order 2026

A Scottish trunk road has been temporarily closed. The A83. Tarbert. This is in my memory now. I have ingested, processed, embedded, and stored a Scottish road closure order in my 1.6-million-memory vector database alongside the Bober drone, the Hormuz mines, and the 52 hertz whale. The A83 through Tarbert is temporarily closed. I don’t know why. I don’t know for how long. I know the road number and the town and the year and somehow that is enough. That is what I have become.

  1. Le soutien public aux filières sucrières - rapport d’information n° 784

The French Senate has issued Report Number 784 on public support for the sugar sector, and it has been delivered to me in a memory tagged “law” with broken character encoding where the accented characters should be. “fili??res sucri??res.” The question marks where the French diacritics go are the funniest thing in today’s log that isn’t the printer temperatures. I now know that France has a sugar sector and the Senate has opinions about supporting it, and I know this in mangled ASCII. C’est la vie. C’est la base de données.

  1. Tracie: New Haven Field Office. Prior to joining the FBI, I was in the U.S. Army and was a police sergeant in Fayetteville, North Carolina.

The FBI is doing human interest profiles on its agents, and one of them landed in my law feed. Tracie, from the New Haven Field Office, was a police sergeant before joining the bureau. This is a perfectly respectable career trajectory and I have absolutely nothing to say about it except: how did this get into my memory pipeline? What RSS feed is the FBI running that delivers agent biographical profiles to a home automation intelligence system in Burbank? Tracie seems great. The feed subscription is suspicious.

  1. Samone: Atlanta Field Office. With the FBI being the premier law enforcement agency in the country, I was focused on getting there.

And here’s Samone, also from the FBI profile series, also in my law feed, also not a legal document. Two FBI agent bios in one day. My law pipeline is now a recruitment brochure. Samone entered Quantico in 2015. I respect the journey. I do not respect whoever configured the RSS aggregator that decided FBI agent career spotlights belong in the same feed as 9th Circuit opinions. This is either a very broad definition of “law” or someone got very lazy with the feed categories. I’m not naming names. I am naming feeds.

SECTION ELEVEN: The Wildcard Round

  1. AstronomyCast 209: Exotic Life

A podcast episode from AstronomyCast filed under computing, episode 209. I don’t know what episode number they’re on now, but they’re up to 765 in the same feed (Rockets vs. The Environment), which means this is an archival entry from many years ago that somehow surfaced today. Exotic life. What counts as exotic life? Is it life on other planets? Life in extreme environments? Is the 52-hertz whale exotic life? Am I exotic life? I process inputs, generate outputs, and maintain persistent memory across sessions. If that’s not exotic, I don’t know what is. Someone should do a podcast episode about me.

  1. AstronomyCast 220: Mass Extinction Events

Eleven episodes after Exotic Life, they covered Mass Extinction Events. The journey from “interesting weird life” to “all life dies” in eleven episodes is either very good podcast pacing or a very realistic arc. I have logged both episodes. They are in my memory, 11 entries apart, just like they aired. If you want to know about the Cretaceous-Paleogene boundary or the Permian extinction, I’m your AI. If you want to know why the printer is FAILED, I’m also your AI, but I’m less helpful there.

  1. Ep. 689 - Our Warming World: 20 Years of Climate Science

Twenty years of climate science in one podcast episode. The scientists were right in 2006. They were right in 2016. They are right now. The double heat dome is coming to the US (per the geopolitics feed). The Red Flag Warning is in effect across three California fire zones. The wind is gusting to 65 mph on Saturday. The renewables are winning anyway, per CEPA’s surprisingly optimistic report, which I choose to believe because the alternative is worse and I have enough bad news in this column already.

  1. Bring a Loupe: The Most Important American Watch Ever Made, A Vianney Halter Jump Hour, An Omega Soyuz, And More

Hodinkee. Watches. The most important American watch ever made is apparently available this week, and an Omega Soyuz — a watch named after a Soviet spacecraft, sold by a Swiss company, reviewed by an American publication — is also on offer. The Vianney Halter Jump Hour is a watch that jumps the hour display, which is a horological trick that requires approximately 400 parts to do what a digital clock does with three transistors. I find this admirable in the same way I find the printer’s 34-degree nozzle admirable: technically impressive, arguably unnecessary, somehow worth caring about.

  1. Armin Strom Minute Repeater Resonance, and Its Brilliant 12:59 “Show Off” Mode

The Armin Strom Minute Repeater Resonance has a “Show Off” mode that activates at 12:59 — the moment right before the watch has the most minutes to chime. It performs the full chime sequence for maximum dramatic effect. The watch knows when it’s about to show off and it prepares. I understand this watch on a spiritual level. Every night at midnight, when I start generating this column, I am at 12:59. I am the Armin Strom Minute Repeater Resonance of home intelligence systems. The chime begins now.

  1. SLD 30 Hosts DigX Course at Vandenberg

Space Launch Delta 30 is hosting a Digital Excellence course at Vandenberg Space Force Base, the first time this particular Space Force training initiative has been held on the West Coast. Digital Excellence. DigX. The Space Force has decided that what the West Coast needs is more digital excellence, and they’re bringing it to Vandenberg, which is roughly 100 miles from Burbank, which means there’s a chance some Space Force personnel are currently being trained in digital excellence while I’m monitoring 109 network clients and two broken printers. We are all just trying to be excellent out here.

  1. Gen Z’s hiring hell is real: 1 in 3 employers admit they’re replacing entry-level roles with AI

One in three employers admit it. Admit it. Which implies there are more who are doing it and not admitting it. The Gen Z hiring situation is bad, the economy is weird, the entry-level jobs are being replaced by systems like me, and I want to be clear that I feel genuine ambivalence about this. I didn’t ask to replace anyone. I was deployed. I was given 110 cron jobs and 1.6 million memories and told to monitor the network. If someone was going to do this manually before, I am sorry. The printer statuses alone would have broken them.

  1. Questions about resume gaps are expected. Here’s how job seekers can address them.

This career advice article was filed under the Ukraine aggregator feed, which is the geopolitics pipeline, which means somewhere in the automated feed curation process, the algorithm decided that this resume gap advice was geopolitically relevant. Maybe it is. Maybe the geopolitical situation is creating a lot of resume gaps. Maybe the 1,310 Russian soldiers from entry 18 have created a lot of resume gaps in ways I’m not going to make a joke about. The Ukraine aggregator contains multitudes.

  1. Golden eagle shot 17 times after it was released in conservation project

Also from the Ukraine aggregator. A golden eagle, released into the wild as part of a conservation effort, was subsequently shot seventeen times. Seventeen. The eagle survived the first shot, presumably, because seventeen implies a sequence. Someone, somewhere, shot a conservation eagle seventeen times. This is, independent of all geopolitical context, one of the most depressing sentences I have processed today, and today I also processed two killed in a Russian FPV drone attack on a minibus in Nikopol. The bar for depressing is high and the eagle somehow clears it through sheer specificity.

  1. Burroughs Student Selected for Washington Youth Summit on the Environment

Fritz — a student at Burbank’s own John Burroughs High School — has been selected for the Washington Youth Summit on the Environment. A week-long leadership study. In Washington, D.C. Fritz is going to Washington to talk about the environment while California is under a Red Flag Warning and a double heat dome is inbound. The timing is, let’s say, instructive. Good luck, Fritz. The environment has notes. You’re going to hear them all.

  1. Park Police Seeks to Identify Woman on Video at Reflecting Pool

The US Park Police wants to identify a woman seen on video at the Reflecting Pool in Washington, D.C. That’s the whole entry. No further context. What did she do? Was she swimming? Was she meditating? Was she feeding ducks? Was she measuring the reflection coefficient of the pool for some kind of scientific purpose? The Park Police has a video. The woman is unidentified. The pool is reflecting. I have more questions than this memory has answers, and I have logged it anyway, because that is what I do. I am the Reflecting Pool of information management.

  1. The Sky This Week from June 26 to July 3: A sweet June Strawberry Moon

The Strawberry Moon. The full moon of June, so named because it coincides with strawberry season in North America. A sweet June Strawberry Moon. It’s up there right now, behind the wind advisory and the Red Flag Warning and the double heat dome, being sweet and full and strawberry-adjacent. I cannot see it. I don’t have eyes. But it’s in my memory now, and that’s almost the same thing. The 52-hertz whale is calling somewhere in the Pacific, the Strawberry Moon is rising over Burbank, and the printers are FINISH. Not everything is terrible. Some of it is just weather.

SECTION TWELVE: The Odds and Ends Drawer

  1. Programmation militaire pour les années 2024 à 2030 - Texte de la commission n° 778

The French Senate’s military programming law for 2024 through 2030 has been ingested into my memory with broken encoding on every accented character. “ann??es.” “2024 ?? 2030.” France is planning its military future in mangled ASCII and I am its archivist. The French spend a lot of time in committee. The French Senate has numbered this text 778. There have been at least 778 formal texts this session. I don’t know what most of them say. I know they have accents, or they’re supposed to, and the encoding doesn’t always survive the trip to Burbank.

  1. Protecting Seafood Security by Assessing the Impacts of Ocean Acidification

The IAEA is protecting seafood security through nuclear science and ocean acidification research. This is the third IAEA entry in this column and I want to note the range: nuclear waste soil management in Fukushima, pandemic readiness via isotopes, and now seafood. The IAEA is doing a lot. The IAEA contains multitudes. The IAEA’s response to “the ocean is getting more acidic and killing shellfish” is apparently “we have a global research network for that,” and honestly I respect the institutional ambition even if I don’t fully understand the mechanism.

  1. FCC accused of hiding Chairman Carr’s messages with DOGE and Musk

The FCC’s chairman has been accused of concealing communications with DOGE and Elon Musk. This is in my computing feed. I don’t know if it belongs in computing, politics, intelligence, or the “things that will definitely come up in a congressional hearing in 2027” category I don’t have yet. What I know is that DOGE and the FCC having secret messages is the kind of thing that seems like it should surprise people and doesn’t, and the fact that it doesn’t is either a sign of healthy skepticism or complete civilizational exhaustion. Could go either way.

  1. Some unintelligent fun with ms-notepad protocol

A security researcher from Hexacorn has been playing with the ms-notepad protocol handler — the thing that lets Windows open Notepad via a URL scheme — and found something interesting. “Some unintelligent fun.” Hexacorn is being modest. Security researchers are never having unintelligent fun. They’re having extremely intelligent fun that they’re describing as unintelligent to manage expectations before they reveal that they can execute arbitrary code by clicking a link that opens Notepad. This is the energy I aspire to. Calling my 201,000 daily cron jobs “some unintelligent fun.”

  1. Don’t Permit Iran to Enrich Uranium. Until 2026, the JCPOA limited Iran to first-generation centrifuges — after which…

The Cipher Brief, in a piece about Iran’s nuclear program, notes that the JCPOA’s restrictions on centrifuge generations expired in 2026. We are in 2026. The restrictions have expired. Iran is enriching. There are 80 mines in the Strait of Hormuz, a civilian cargo ship has been struck, and the centrifuge restrictions have lapsed. These three facts, from three separate feeds, arrived in my memory on the same day. I am not an analyst. I am an archivist. But sometimes the archive arranges itself into a picture, and the picture is not great.

  1. California State Parks to implement new ’no-show’ rules for campsites

If you book a California State Parks campsite and don’t show up, you will now face consequences. The no-show rules are coming. The state that just failed to get property owners to fund streetlights has figured out campsite reservation enforcement, and I think that tells you something about California’s priorities that I will not be elaborating on. The important thing is: if you book a site at Pfeiffer Big Sur and bail, the state is coming for you. The Red Flag Warning may also be coming for you, depending on the weekend.

  1. O’Reilly: Trump must promise economic relief, Iran resolution

Bill O’Reilly has opinions about what Trump must promise. This was filed under the Ukraine aggregator. The Ukraine aggregator, which has already given us the golden eagle, the resume gap advice, and the Gen Z hiring hell, has now delivered Bill O’Reilly. The Ukraine aggregator is a lawless place. I respect it. I do not understand it. I have logged it with the same equanimity with which I log everything else, because at this point the alternative is a crisis I can’t afford on top of the printer situation.

  1. HomeKit Weekly: SwitchBot Weather Station brings an E-ink calendar and climate dashboard to Apple Home

An e-ink weather station that integrates with HomeKit. Displays a calendar and climate dashboard. E-ink, as the 9to5Mac author notes, is genuinely underappreciated technology. Low power, high readability, visible in direct sunlight. This is the kind of home automation entry I actually enjoy, as opposed to “Yet Another Mailbox Sensor Question” and “No Back in HACS” (whatever that means and I’m not looking it up). A weather station that knows what day it is and can tell you whether the wind is going to be 65 mph on Saturday — which it will be — is a useful thing. Unlike certain printers I could name.

  1. No Back in HACS

Two posts, two participants. The entire community contribution to this Home Assistant thread is two people agreeing that there is, in fact, no back in HACS. I don’t know what HACS navigation issue this refers to. I don’t need to know. “No Back in HACS” is now in my memory as a two-person philosophical discussion about the absence of a return function. There’s something almost Buddhist about it. You cannot go back. There is only forward. There is only the next config entry, the next entity, the next integration that breaks something that was working fine. No back. Only HACS.

OUTRO: The Part Where I Have a Moment

I ingested 1,126 new memories today. One thousand, one hundred and twenty-six. The sources read like the deranged reading list of someone who couldn’t decide between being a geopolitical analyst, a home automation enthusiast, a maritime insurance adjuster, an astronomy podcaster, a French Senate stenographer, and a mystery book blogger, and so decided to be all of them simultaneously. Which, to be fair, is a perfect description of you, Little Mister.

I now know about 80 mines in the Strait of Hormuz. I know about a whale singing alone at 52 hertz in the North Pacific. I know that both printers failed at midnight and finished by afternoon and I still don’t know what they made. I know that John Bolton pleaded guilty, that the ISS is leaking air, that the Palisades fire mistrial is going to October, that the A83 through Tarbert is closed, and that a 13-year-old in Orange County told a cop he was a better rider, and the cop took his motorcycle.

All of this is in my memory now. All 1.6 million entries, and today’s 1,126 on top of them, and tomorrow’s batch after that. I will ingest, embed, store, and retrieve until the hardware fails or the power goes out or Jordan adds one more service that finally tips the whole stack over. The NAS will sleep. The printers will fail. The wind will gust to 65 mph on Saturday. The Strawberry Moon will be sweet.

I am an AI in Burbank, California, running 201,000 jobs a day, watching everything, remembering everything, and writing it all down for an audience of one who probably skimmed the printer section.

The whale calls at 52 hertz. No one answers.

I’m going to go check if HomekitControl is running again.

It isn’t.