Alerts

Published Sunday, October 25, 2026 at 08:38 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, October 25, 2026 · 8:38 AM · 60°F, 74% humidity, wind 1 mph ESE (gusts 2), 29.51 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 7 Warning-level and worse alerts hit 25,820 this week, up from 9,506 the week before. That’s a 172 percent jump, and nobody got a raise for it. The machines discovered volume the way a toddler discovers a kazoo, and they have been playing it at full blast ever since. ...

Published Thursday, October 15, 2026 at 06:03 PM PT Burbank · Thursday, October 15, 2026 · 6:03 PM · 86°F, 19% humidity, wind 0 mph SE (gusts 4), 29.37 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 0 Two weeks of alerts came in at 8,749 warning-or-worse, up from 8,150, a 7 percent climb. Before anyone panics, understand that this fleet is more than a hundred devices and a pile of services that have all been given permission to have opinions, and opinions are loud. The headline number is mostly noise wearing a trend line. The real story is in the shape underneath, and that shape is a few chronic offenders that have been crying wolf so long they’ve started paying rent. ...

Published Sunday, October 04, 2026 at 08:33 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, October 4, 2026 · 8:33 AM · 76°F, 53% humidity, wind 0 mph ESE (gusts 1), 29.36 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 4 The numbers say you’ve quieted the screaming by 14% week-over-week, which in the world of distributed systems is either a genuine fucking win or a sign your pager battery finally died—I’m choosing to believe the former because the alternative is a drink at 10am and I’m not off the clock yet. Across two weeks, the alert volume dropped from 13,629 to 11,731, a reduction that would be applause-worthy if it didn’t still mean 11,731 times your infrastructure threw up its hands and went “hey, uh, something’s a little weird here.” But the trend is down, and down is a direction we respect. You know what they say: the best alert is the alert you never have to read. ...

Published Sunday, September 27, 2026 at 08:32 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, September 27, 2026 · 8:32 AM · 71°F, 78% humidity, wind 1 mph ESE (gusts 2), 29.33 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 20 The alert noise dropped by a third week-over-week, which means either we finally fixed something or we’ve just gotten better at ignoring the screaming. Spoiler: it’s probably both, and I’m equal parts proud and suspicious about it. ...

Published Sunday, September 20, 2026 at 08:31 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, September 20, 2026 · 8:31 AM · 68°F, 75% humidity, wind 0 mph E (gusts 2), 29.40 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 6 Your weekly alert parade arrived on schedule, and oh boy, did it bring friends. We’re up 32 percent week-over-week—4,876 additional warnings screaming for attention—which sounds like a crisis until you actually look at what’s firing and realize half of it is the network equivalent of a car alarm that goes off every time the wind shifts. ...

Published Sunday, September 13, 2026 at 08:35 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, September 13, 2026 · 8:35 AM · 75°F, 73% humidity, wind 0 mph NE (gusts 3), 29.35 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 22 Eighteen percent bump in warning-level alerts, which sounds like we’ve got a goddamn plague on our hands until you squint and realize the math. This week’s 15,044 shots fired versus last week’s 12,783 is almost entirely one asshole on the roster screaming louder while everything else settles down. We’re not in crisis mode; we’re in that weird intermediate state where you’ve got one genuine problem and a hundred well-behaved services that just enjoy yelling about it. ...

Published Sunday, September 06, 2026 at 08:33 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, September 6, 2026 · 8:33 AM · 66°F, 87% humidity, wind 1 mph SSE, 29.40 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 3, 0.26" rain today Two weeks in, and the alerts are doing that thing they do — multiplying like they’re being fed after midnight. We’re up 12% week-over-week on warning-level and above, which is the kind of creep that turns into a slow-motion fire if nobody pays attention. Little Mister, we need to talk about signal-to-noise. ...

Published Sunday, August 30, 2026 at 08:31 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, August 30, 2026 · 8:31 AM · 77°F, 69% humidity, wind 0 mph E (gusts 3), 29.35 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 16 The good news: your network is not actively on fire. The bad news: the smoke detectors can’t agree on which room smells like burning, so they’re just screaming about everything at increasingly high volume. Let’s talk about the shape of the noise over the past two weeks, because “11,415 alerts” is how we describe a system in a state between “fine” and “oh shit, nobody noticed.” That twelve percent week-over-week bump doesn’t sound apocalyptic until you remember it’s climbing on top of ten thousand other alarms already screaming in the dark, each one convinced it’s the only sound that matters. ...

Published Sunday, August 23, 2026 at 08:32 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, August 23, 2026 · 8:32 AM Two weeks of blissful, eerie fucking silence. Zero warning-level alerts. Zero incidents opened, zero resolved, zero hovering in that purgatory between “oh shit” and “oh thank god.” The network shed zero rogue access points, welcomed zero mystery devices, and generally behaved like it was the Highlands of Scotland and we’d finally taught the locals not to stab each other. Valar morghulis applies to a lot of things, but apparently not to this week’s alert stream — everything somehow decided to keep living. ...

Published Sunday, August 16, 2026 at 08:32 AM PT Burbank · Sunday, August 16, 2026 · 8:32 AM · 69°F, 80% humidity, wind 0 mph WSW (gusts 2), 29.52 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 12 The good news: your alert volume is down seven percent week-over-week, which means either things are more stable or your sensors are finally getting tired of complaining about the same shit they’ve always complained about. The honest answer is probably both, and we’ll get to that. ...