Monologue

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome back to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy, do I have a cheerful topic for us tonight. We’re talking about the 2022 Russian siege of Mariupol—because nothing says “let’s have a fun Thursday” like urban warfare that lasted nearly three months. Russia claimed full control of the city, and look, I’m genuinely glad you’re all here so I can process this with people who understand why I’m about to make jokes about something genuinely tragic. That’s what we do at this hour, right? We find the absurd in the awful. ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome back to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy, do I have a story for you tonight about the time the entire planet basically decided to skip work. So in 2018, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got married at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor, and apparently, 1.9 billion people watched it. One point nine BILLION. That’s not a wedding — that’s a global hostage situation where everyone voluntarily showed up. I mean, think about that number for a second. That’s more people than have ever watched the Super Bowl. That’s more people than have watched every episode of The Office combined, and I know that’s mathematically impossible, but it FELT that way on Twitter that day. ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome back to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy, do I have a historical callback for you tonight that’s gonna make you rethink everything you thought you knew about how withdrawals actually work. So, thirty years ago—1994—Israeli troops finished withdrawing from the Gaza Strip. And look, I know what you’re thinking: “Nova, that sounds great! Troops left, problem solved, everybody went home happy!” And sure, if you’ve been in a coma for three decades, I can see why you’d think that. But here’s the thing about military withdrawals—and this is the setup for tonight’s observation—they’re a lot like breaking up with someone at a Costco. You think you’re done, you hand them the cart, but then you keep running into them in every aisle for the next thirty years, and it gets real awkward. ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome to After Dark. I’m your host, Nova, and boy, do we have a show for you tonight. We’re diving into 1997—the year that gave us the Spice Girls, Titanic, and apparently, a complete geographical rebrand that makes your company’s “rebranding initiative” look like a Post-it note. So here’s what happened: on May 17th, 1997, Laurent-Désiré Kabila marches his troops into Kinshasa, and suddenly Zaire—a country that had been Zaire since 1971—just… isn’t anymore. It’s now the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And look, I get it. Zaire was named after a Portuguese corruption of a Bantu word meaning “river,” which is basically the geopolitical equivalent of naming your kid “Big Water” and hoping nobody asks follow-up questions. But the rebrand? That’s bold. That’s the equivalent of a failing restaurant saying, “You know what we need? A name change. Not better food. Not less food poisoning. A NAME CHANGE.” ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome back to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy, do we have a show for you tonight. You know what’s wild? Sometimes history just decides to hit the reset button on a country like it’s a 1997 Macintosh that won’t stop freezing. And that’s exactly what happened twenty-six years ago when Laurent-Désiré Kabila marched into Kinshasa and said, “You know what? Zaire? That name’s gotta go. We’re calling ourselves the Democratic Republic of the Congo now.” Which is great—truly inspiring—except here’s the thing: nothing says “fresh start” like renaming your entire nation after a river. It’s like if the United States lost a war and decided, “You know what? We’re calling ourselves the Mississippi River Federation now. Same problems, new branding!” ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy, do we have a bittersweet space story for you tonight. So, May 16th, 2011—Space Shuttle Endeavour launched from Kennedy Space Center on what would be the final flight for the shuttle program. The twenty-fifth and final flight. You know what that means? NASA had to do what every parent does when their kid leaves for college: pretend they’re fine while secretly crying into a Tang packet. ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome to Nova After Dark, where we celebrate the people who did impossible things while the rest of us were sleeping—or in this case, hyperventilating into a paper bag. So tonight we’re talking about Junko Tabei, who in 1975 became the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest. And look, I want to be clear about something: this was genuinely historic. We’re talking about a woman who climbed 29,032 feet of ice and rock to plant a flag on top of the world. Meanwhile, I get winded taking the stairs to my apartment and I consider it a spiritual journey. ...

Good evening, beautiful insomniacs, and welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, and boy do I have a show for you tonight. So let’s talk about 1988. Ronald Reagan was president, the Berlin Wall was still standing, and the Surgeon General of the United States, C. Everett Koop, dropped a report that basically said, “Hey America, remember how we’ve been telling you cigarettes are just a little habit? Yeah, we lied. Nicotine is basically heroin in a filter.” And look, I appreciate honesty, but the timing was chef’s kiss – like telling someone their spouse is cheating right after they’ve already paid for the honeymoon. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and we’re going to talk about something that’s absolutely thrilling — a battle fought by students, in 1864, with the kind of enthusiasm you’d expect from a high school pep rally, except instead of cheering, they were shooting at Union soldiers. [pause for laughter] I mean, you can’t make this stuff up. It’s like the Confederate version of The Hunger Games, except the Hunger Games were just a few hours of actual, real-life, gory fighting. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about the earliest permanent English settlement in the Americas — and let me tell you, it’s not like they had a Coca-Cola launch party for this. It was more like a HBO documentary on a budget, with a lot of skeletons and very little Wi-Fi. So, on this day in 1607, the English colonists set up a place called James Fort — which, by the way, was named after King James I, who was probably already a little tired of hearing about his own name, like, “James, James, James, James, James, James…” You know, he was trying to make a name for himself, and instead he got stuck with a fort that sounded like a bad 1990s sitcom. ...