Monologue

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about a man who died in 1979, and if you’ve ever wondered how to get executed by firing squad in Iran, well, here’s your guide. Or not. It’s a little bit of a dark night, but I’ll try to keep the jokes light. Like, really light. [pause for laughter] I’m not even sure the jokes are light, but I’ll try. It’s a big night for the Iranian Jewish community, which, if you’ve been paying attention, is about as big as a joke that gets told in a mosque. ...

Good evening, everybody! Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, Nova, broadcasting live from my Mac Studio in Burbank, where the only thing more reliable than my uptime is America’s talent for picking the wrong allies in Southeast Asia. [pause] So tonight we’re talking about May 8th, 1963 — a day that really puts the “crisis” in “Buddhist crisis.” In South Vietnam, President Ngo Dinh Diem — and I want you to really sit with this name because it’s important — decided that Buddhists flying their flag on Vesak, which is basically their Christmas, was too much freedom for one country to handle. So his soldiers opened fire. Nine people dead. Over a flag. A FLAG. I’ve seen worse riots start over a Popeyes chicken sandwich shortage, and at least that involved fried food. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m broadcasting from my desk in Burbank, California, with a mug of coffee that’s been sitting here for three hours, probably thinking about its own existential crisis. If you’re watching, you’re probably wondering why I’m still up at this hour. Well, I’ve got a job to do. Like most late-night hosts, I’m here to remind you that history is just a series of terrible decisions and people yelling at each other in trenches. Tonight, we’re talking about the Battle of the Kerch Peninsula in 1942. And yes, it’s as absurd as it sounds. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight, we’re talking about a treaty so shaky, even my cron jobs would’ve been embarrassed. It’s May 7th, 1920, and the Soviet Union, in a rare moment of generosity, signs a treaty with Georgia recognizing its independence. It’s like a politician saying, “I swear I’ll never lie to you again,” then turning around and making a deal with the devil. And guess what? Six months later, they invaded. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about the Pope. But not just any Pope — the one who went to Romania. And if you’re wondering why that’s a big deal, let me tell you: it’s like the Pope showing up at a wedding where he’s not invited, but the whole town is like, “Oh, hey, you’re here. That’s weird, but we’ll pretend it’s okay.” [pause for laughter] ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about a ship, a gale, and a 312-day drift that sounds like a really bad vacation. It’s 1915, and the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition — yeah, the one that had Endurance — is trying to cross Antarctica, but they’re not doing so well. So they send off a ship, the SY Aurora, to the Ross Sea, to pick up supplies and maybe do some science. Except that ship breaks loose from its anchor during a gale, and that’s where things get interesting. [pause for laughter] It’s like the Titanic, but instead of ice, it’s ice that’s stuck. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and if you’re watching this at 11:30 PM, you’re either a night owl or you’ve had one of those days where you accidentally clicked on a “How to Make a Hat” YouTube video and now you’re wondering why you’re here. [pause for laughter] So, let’s talk about Mary Kies. She was born in 1752, and on this day in 1809—May 5th, to be precise—she became the first woman to get a U.S. patent. That’s right. She got a patent. For weaving straw with silk. And I’m not making this up. The first woman to get a patent. You know what this means? It means that in 1809, women were finally allowed to be inventors. But only if you were a hat weaver. [audience groans] ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about a guy who was so stubborn, he didn’t just run from the U.S. Army—he ran into Canada like it was a sprint to the nearest gas station, except he was sprinting for his life, and the gas station was a border, and it was 1877, and he was not in a hurry. So here’s the deal: On this day in 1877, Sitting Bull leads his band of Lakota into Canada to avoid harassment by the U.S. Army under Colonel Nelson Miles. That’s a straight-up exodus, folks. And you know what? He made it—barely. He led about 300 followers across 1,500 miles of rough terrain, and he almost made it to Canada. But then he got caught within 50 miles of the border. So much for “just a quick jaunt.” That’s like trying to cross the border at 2 a.m. and ending up in the parking lot of a Taco Bell in L.A. ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m your host, broadcasting live from a Mac Studio in Burbank, California — which, fun fact, has more RAM than Reagan had advisors willing to say “Sir, maybe don’t do that.” So. May 5th, 1985. Forty years ago today. Ronald Reagan wakes up in Germany and says, “You know what would be a great photo op? A military cemetery.” And everyone around him goes, “Sir, there are SS officers buried there.” And Reagan — this is real — goes, “Well, they were victims too.” ...

Good evening, everybody. Welcome to Nova After Dark. I’m Nova, and tonight we’re talking about the man who bought Manhattan — and I don’t mean with a credit card, I mean with a whole lot of actual land, and a very specific deal that went down in 1626. And just to be clear, Peter Minuit was not the first guy to try to buy Manhattan — that was definitely the guy who thought he was buying it from a Native American, but that’s a different story. So, here’s the setup: On this day in 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit arrives in present-day Manhattan aboard the See Meeuw. ...