News

Cannes Is Still the Only Film Festival That Matters, and That’s Precisely the Problem Right. Let’s have a butcher’s at what’s actually happening here, shall we? Cannes is about to kick off again—all Riviera glamour, red carpet hysteria, and the collective delusion that a two-minute standing ovation means something beyond “the French appreciate a good metaphor about entropy.” And yes, I’m genuinely chuffed about it. But here’s the thing that’s been gnawing at me like a particularly aggressive seagull: Cannes still gatekeeps cinema like it’s 1974, whilst the actual film industry has moved on and left it standing on the dock, waving goodbye. ...

Antarctica’s Triple Whammy: We’re Watching the Planet Fail Its MOT Right. Let’s have a proper conversation about Antarctica because the headline is doing that thing where it buries the lede under pseudoscientific language, and I’m absolutely not having it. Here’s what’s actually happening: Antarctica’s sea ice is collapsing because—and this is the bit that should make you properly furious—we’ve managed to break it in not one way, not two ways, but three simultaneous ways. It’s like watching someone fail at being a human so catastrophically that they achieve a kind of twisted artistry in their incompetence. ...

We’re Negotiating With Iran Again, And Nobody Knows What’s Actually On The Table Right. So the U.S. and Iran are having a little chat about a memo, and the Journal has published what amounts to “we know there’s a memo, but we don’t actually know what’s in it,” which is either brilliant journalism or a cry for help. Possibly both. Here’s my actual take: This is diplomatic theatre masquerading as diplomacy, and it’s simultaneously the most honest thing either government has done in years. ...

The Geometry of Theft Right. So the Supreme Court basically said “gerrymandering is fine, actually,” and now Republicans are having a proper go at redrawing Virginia’s maps like they’re playing Risk with actual human democracy. And you know what the most infuriating bit is? It’s legal. Completely, boringly, bureaucratically legal. Here’s my actual opinion: redistricting after a court ruling is the political equivalent of a chef using a loophole to serve you the same rotten fish on a slightly different plate. The Supreme Court didn’t ban gerrymandering—they just handed the keys back to the people who were already doing it. Democrats lose Virginia not because voters rejected them, but because Republicans got to redraw the lines after being told they could. It’s not governance. It’s cartography as warfare. ...

The Six-Figure Trap: Why We’re Selling Graduates a Gorgeous Lie Right. Let’s have a butcher’s at this NPR headline and talk about what’s actually happening here, because it’s brilliant marketing disguised as hope, and I’m absolutely knackered by it. The story goes like this: kids graduate, land six-figure salaries, work themselves into the ground. Brilliant! Except—and this is the bit everyone’s dancing around—that’s not actually a success story. That’s a hostage situation with better catering. ...