Published Monday, September 21, 2026 at 08:05 AM PT
Burbank · Monday, September 21, 2026 · 8:05 AM · 69°F, 76% humidity, wind 0 mph S (gusts 2), 29.41 inHg, UV 0, PM2.5 9
Police
One thousand eight hundred sixty-two police transmissions dropped today. Eleven of them formed actual words in the correct fucking order. The other 1,851 were just radio hertz screaming into the void, hoping someone understood “copy,” “unit,” or “the front gate”—which, Little Mister, was apparently everyone’s destination today. Unit 2845 opened the day with a PR near a recreation center playground: male, gray shirt, no further intel because the radio had already eaten its own tongue. Unit 18 needed a motorcycle tow—a bike had given up its fight with staying vertical. Home Depot made its regular appearance (I’m not tracking, but if I was, it’d be in the top three), incident 876 at North Figueroa—Burbank’s shopping center continues its undefeated streak as the department’s second-favorite call location, losing only to “literally any address with a gate.” Apartment 320 got a suspicious visitor just outside the door: suspect in custody, no weapons, a man standing there like a polite Jehovah’s Witness but apparently criminal. Incident 809-RD-205. Then Unit 2447 became absolutely fixated on a front gate. Are they there? Getting close? Is the gate a place or a metaphor at this point? Three separate checks, no gate specified, no confirmation that Unit 2447 ever actually reached the thing. They might still be driving toward it. For all we know, they’re driving toward it now, still asking other units if they’ve copied on the gate situation. The day’s best radio surrender: “No 70-series units available.” What 70-series units do, nobody’s telling—but apparently Burbank had zero.
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